Bond will stop at nothing to protect the world’s supply of closures

He drives fast cars, uses expensive gadgets with impunity, could kill you with his bare hands in 27 different ways in under 2 seconds, likes his martinis “shaken, not stirred,” is a Royal Naval Reserve Commander, a member of Her Majesty’s Secret Intelligence Service, goes by “double O seven,” recently made an appearance at the 2012 Olympics Opening Ceremonies, isn’t afraid to give a Glasgow Kiss when the situation calls for it, is smooth with the ladies, works well under pressure, travels light, and maintains a wardrobe that allows him to move in all socio-economic crime circles of the world’s debauched, depraved, and derelict.

He is James Bond.

In Capino Royale, Bond is sent to Montenegro to stop Le Chiffre, a terrorist banker, from winning a poker tournament at the Casino Royale. The stakes: ownership of the world’s supply of closures, caps, and lids. Bond must use all of considerable skill, talent and charm to keep Le Chiffre from taking everything.

Wouldn’t that be a great premise for a movie? Forget water, oil, fuel, gold, nuclear warheads, and the secret of renewable sustainable no-biproducts energy. That stuff gets picked all the time as the object of terrorist and world-dominating sociopaths.

So cliche.

How about closures and caps and lids? The repercussions of monopolizing the world’s supply of closures is unimaginably staggering.

(I pitched this idea to Universal, Columbia, Paramount and even Pixar. They said it lacked “universal appeal.” I told them that everyone uses closures, and that it was only a matter of time before someone actually tried to do this … they had security escort me out.)

Bond is played by sales rep Stephen Post, who coincidentally, actually does have access to thousands of different types of lids, caps, dispensing pumps, closures, treatment pumps, sprayers, and more.

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